Long time no see!

Is it possible that I still have this blog?!
I haven't been here for... well ... forever.  My life is so different from what it was when I started this blog.  I am still very much on a fitness quest... but I am really ready for it now.

Today is March 17, 2013 and I weigh 160 pounds.  I am 30 pounds away from my weight goal. 

How on earth did I finally get to this point; when this has been eluding me for SO long!  I finally let go of my pride and shame.  A wonderful friend at work had received approval from our insurance to get a gastric bypass surgery and I had mentioned to her in passing that I was so jealous that she had embraced a solution.  I'll never forget the passing moment for her ... but life changing moment to me ... when she said : "Don't be jealous.  Just go do it for yourself if you want." 

That option for me seemed like it was only for "really fat" people... realizing that at this point I was already 250 pounds and it was only getting worse.  Who was I kidding?!  I was a "really fat" person.  Also, I had the thought (and sometimes this thought still creeps in) that if I had surgery...it would mean that I hadn't really done the hard work myself.  I promise you ... this is still really hard work. 

Today I love myself enough to work out 5-6 days a week. 
I am signed up for multiple fun runs and races. 
I can walk into any store in the mall and find something that fits...and might I add, sometimes looks Damn Good. 
I still have some body image issues, but I can now see ways of improving the areas I still don't like...or simply learning to say that it is enough and love my self anyway. 
I step on my scale each and every morning.  It is simpler to fix small errors than to feel like I have to reverse a bus.  And because I step on that scale each morning I have had to learn to be gentle with myself and remember that the number that shines up at me through the darkness is just that... a number. It is not unchangeable, and it is not a reflection of my worth.

So here I am again.  I will keep in touch.  :)

progress

30 minutes / 1.8 miles

Things felt really good today. I even ran a little at the end.

wanting to move forward

30 minutes / 1.79 miles

Todays effort felt pretty good. I'm not sure I am feeling any progress...just similar to what I have done in the past. I know you have to start from where I am ... I just would like to get past on this to feel like I am actually moving forward.

1/2 hearted

1.3 miles / 26 minutes.

I have no excuses. It was half hearted at best. I'll see if I can pull myself together enough to make a second, better effort after work. :/

"Well that's all that matters, what you think about you"

35 minutes / 2 miles. Good stuff.

So yesterday a work a guy asks me what it was I was eating. It just so happen to be Jenny Craig Lemon Cakes. So I tell him and for some reason it makes me feel uncomfortable so I must have sounded uncomfortable when I answered him. I said "Its Jenny Craig cake...you know, Diet Food". He says "You don't need that". to which I answered "well thank you (feeling my face get hot!) but I think I do." His answer caught me so off guard that I have been thinking about it off and on ever since. He said "Well that's all that matters, what you think about you" and then he walked away.

I am always so concerned about what others think of me. I've viewed myself as a fat girl for so long that I assume that that is how I am viewed by everyone else as well. Now the numbers don't lie. I need to lose weight, but I think that the shame is part of what has been keeping me fat. I think it is past time to start changing what I think about me!

Whew! That was tough!

Still breathing hard! 30 Minutes Biggest Loser Workout.

I'm starting to thing that the Cross training days are to make me long for the walking / running days! LOL.

This is gonna work!!!

30 minutes / 1.73 miles

Whew! Still winded cuz I'm in a hurry to get to work! This is gonna work!!! :)